D-0. No counting.

The last one should be a good one.

See you on the other side x

D-3 and counting

Hello.

I`m not going to mention the referendum, there’s a time and a place for everything and this isn’t it so don’t worry.

MEDS

Picked up my medication for detox week today. 106 x 5mg of Chlordiazepode aka Librium. I start on 16 a day on Monday then gradually reduce as the week goes on as directed by my nurse. This is to reduce the withdrawal symptoms and minimalise the risk of brain damage, fitting or seizures. Yes, that can happen. There are only two drugs that can have these side effects during withdrawal, one is alcohol and the other, strangely enough, is the one being used to help my detox. 
I get my first visit of the week from my nurse or counsellor Monday lunchtime then once a day for a week following that. My amazing wife Sarah has to be around pretty much 24/7 for the week just to make sure I don’t suffer any of the side effects . I`ll try to post daily about this, hopefully might make an interesting read for others considering a supervised detox

Support

Sarah has suggested that as a mark of support she would like to give up something for the week too. She has very bravely decided to abstain from sweet things, cakes and chocolate and the like. If you know Sarah and her sweet tooth you will agree that she will probably have a much worse week than me, at least I have drugs to help me out. Also sister in law Sue and good friend Gail have said they would like to do an alcohol free week to see if it makes any difference to them and as a mark of support. These very kind gestures are really spurring me on to succeed next week.

Maintenance

I am under no Illusions that next week will be the end of my battle, in fact it’s just the beginning. Getting off the booze is a fairly simple affair, staying off it is the main challenge. My “group” will come in to its own over the next few weeks I feel, providing the strategies and help needed for maintenance. In fact, as my “group” has been so useful so far, I think I will remove the quotes.
Met an old friend Steve in town today who has issues similar to mine, we spoke briefly about how he didn’t realise that alcohol was such a problem in my life, just goes to show how we “functioning alcoholics” work. You`d never guess, life and soul of the party and all that. He also suggested as a maintenance strategy maybe joining a gym. After initially laughing myself senseless at this I thought it may not be so bad an idea. Something to take my mind off cravings and undo some of the physical damage done through the years of abuse. Also could provide a target to work towards, being fit is not such a bad thing I suppose. I`ll chat with the group on Tuesday about this. 

Anyway. More soon.

D-6 and Counting

Party

Went to a Family party at the weekend, a cousin’s reunion. Been doing these for a few years now, once or twice a year and they are always a great laugh. Our hosts Lee and Dawn have a great party house and always have at least two fridges full of beer, wine and spirits. Normally at these events I would drink myself pretty much into unconsciousness, knowing when to stop has never been a strong point. With so much at stake I was more than a little worried about the free availability of so much alcohol but I managed to stay roughly on course. No spirits, no wine, not too much beer then back to my RDA on Sunday night. Being at this level of intake is important for the detox to work as the meds are prescribed at a level appropriate for your alcoholic intake.

Also very pleasantly surprised at how ready everybody was to discuss my condition and forthcoming treatment. I`ve always struggled with talking about my addiction and I`m not at all sure why now, strong words of support and a genuine interest from all involved but no pressure to talk at all. If you are in a similar position please speak to people, friends and professionals alike. Don`t, as I did, leave it till its too late for fear of being judged. You WILL be surprised at the level of support available at very close hand.

Facebook

Yes, the F word. I`m normally not a huge fan of Facebook, mainly using it for posting jokes stolen from twitter and pictures of skies and food but I am starting to like it now. When I post a new blog I add a link to Facebook for a couple of reasons. It helps me let people know about my addiction without having to bring it up face to face. Forewarned is forearmed as they say. Get the boring details out of the way first then if you want you can talk to me about it. Also recent posts have been starting a bit of a dialogue. This is good. A few Facebook friends have suggested that they would like to join me in a week’s detox, not necessarily from alcohol, as a way to support me and also challenge themselves. I will write a little more about this tomorrow and include some of the recent Fb replies to my posts.

“Group”

My “group” meeting went very well today. Some new faces, stories and experiences. It’s becoming such a useful tool that I may well be able to remove the quotes soon. I made a few notes at the “group” so I will be talking about that this week at some point, maybe a rough outline of how a meeting works and what is actually involved. We meet again a week today, I will be totally alcohol free for this one so may be interesting to see if my outlook is any different.

Please feel free to comment below or anywhere else or even share this if you think it may be appropriate.

D-8 and counting.

*Fires up computer, opens yet another beer and settles down to write some stuff*

Hello. Here’s some more ramblings as I count down to detox.

One week from now I will be cracking open and drinking what will hopefully be one of my last beers. I`ll probably spend the evening watching Top Gear and some other old crap on the telly whilst I work my way through my units of alcohol. At about 11.00 or 12.00 o’clock I`ll open the last one then go to bed pissed like I have for years. Lots of years. More years than I care to remember.

First thing Monday morning when I wake up I`ll take a few tablets then at lunchtime I`ll take a few more. Around teatime I`ll chuck down another handful. As evening rolls in I won’t open a can. As the night continues I still won`t open a can. I`ll take a few more tablets last thing then go to bed, dry and sober for the first time in years. Lots of years. More years than I care to remember.

This process will continue through the week, every day I`ll still not open those cans, I`ll still go to bed dry and sober. I`ll take slightly fewer tablets each day till hopefully with support from family and professionals the physical dependence will be gone. Dry, clean and sober. Over to me then.

I must admit that I am more than a little nervous. Things are going to have to change around here and I`m not great with change.

It`s going to take a whole lifestyle shake up. How to fill the time normally devoted to my old mate and enemy? It`s taken a lot of time and dedication for many years to ensure the level of intake to maintain my addiction. I need to fill this time with something useful. Something less destructive but just as “rewarding”.

In my “group” this is known as Maintenance. Maintaining the seemingly impossible concept of a life without alcohol. I am quite looking forward to the free time, but unsure what to fill it with.  I have a meeting on Tuesday with my “group” so I`ll bring this up and see what other members think. Suggestions for suitable hobbies, diversions and pursuits would be much appreciated.

In other news, my sister in law has decided to join me for a week without alcohol. She suggested this last night at a family do. More on this soon. 

D-13 AND COUNTING

D-13 and counting

A quick update.

Not long to go and starting to feel a little nervous.

Meeting with my counsellor today. Discussed a few concerns about before, during and after detox.

My major concern is the Sunday before we start. The last beer I open on that Sunday night may well be my last ever. How the hell do I treat opening and drinking what may well be my last one?  No definitive answer on this question at the moment but the favourite is to have an evening of real old time favourites. Not about getting the units down me but taking the nerves away by celebrating a soon to be departed friend, and enemy.……Any thoughts?

We had a little chat about this blog, we both think it could be beneficial to myself and also others in a similar situation, so will press on for a while.

We also cleared up a thing or two about the actual process involved in a detox. What drugs are involved? Where and when do I get them? Who is responsible for making sure they are administered correctly? Are there any possible side effects? (More about this soon)

The period after the detox will hopefully be aided by a “group”

I joined a “group”

I have always struggled with “groups”

Sitting in a small room with a load of weird people all trying to outdo each other with tales of their problems…...How the hell can that help anyone?

Well, as usual, I was wrong. I was probably the weirdest of the lot, and we discussed coping strategies and other buzzwords. As first meetings go it was fairly encouraging. I shall go back next week and see how it goes. More on this as it progresses.

Also had a meeting with a real life newspaper reporter, but that’s another story for another day.

DETOX

I have recently made what I hope will be a massive life changing decision. After long discussions with loved ones, friends and professionals I have decided to say farewell to something that has been a huge part of my life for more years than I care to remember.  

Alcohol.

Through good times and bad it has been there for me. An escape to a different place, boosting my confidence and making my problems disappear. It’s been a crutch for my depression and anxiety issues and helped me to be the wonderful person I am at parties.

Hold on, I need to rewrite that last paragraph.

My ability to control my addiction has dragged me into many a dark place. Hiding behind its veil gives a temporary short lived feeling of wellbeing with the side effect of impacting my mental issues and turning me into the dribbling idiot I can so easily become.

That’s a bit better.

So, starting on 27^th of this month I will be entering into a supervised at home detox. I’ve been advised not to try on my own as there is a very real chance of fitting as I withdraw. It seems I need 24/7 supervision for the first few days just in case.

To be honest, I`m not that scared about the detox itself. My councillors are amazingly reassuring that a properly supervised and medicated detox is a fairly straight forward and well proven procedure. Fine, after a week or so on the meds I`ll be alcohol free for probably the first time in over 20 years. That’s when the fun starts I suppose. I have been imagining myself in various situations, family parties, restaurants and the like and find it so hard to picture myself without a pint in my hand. That’s partly why I have decided to write this. A bit of a crutch if you like. When I was caring for my mother I wrote a blog about my experiences and found it very helpful, so here we go again.

Also, as a side-line, if my experiences can help anyone in a similar position then that’s a good thing too. I intend to publish a few posts on the run up to the detox then a daily update for the period of it. Hopefully putting things down on here will help me focus on the job at hand.

If you have any experience of alcohol or other detox, please feel free to share. If we can get a bit of a discussion going all the better, it`ll certainly help me out and maybe others too.

PANIC.

This morning I had a panic attack.

I get them every now again but this one was different. Knocked me for six. Took me out of action for a whole day. Started as they normally do, racing pulse, disorientation, tunnel vision and a general feeling of “unwell” but lasted all day.

All day.

It’s part of my depression.

Depression is a terrible disease. Misunderstood by so many. My depression manifests itself in many ways. Chronic tiredness, inability to cope with the simplest everyday situations and decisions, terrible mood swings from dark doom laden periods to delirious manic days, crazy OCD behaviour, panic attacks, anxiety and so much more.

Most sufferers, like myself, find it so hard to discuss their illness with friends, family or, indeed, their medical practitioner for fear of lack of understanding.  This is why I fucking hate the disease, it creeps up on you unawares then destroys you from the inside. Not sure what’s happening to you it eats away at every fibre in your being, grinds you into the dirt then pisses on you to finish you off.

At this point I should wrap up with a little witty one liner or tidy ending, maybe a suggestion or two of how to deal with depression or help a friend who suffers…. Got nothing. Nada. Zip. Fuck all.

Sorry. It`s been a bad day.