D-13 Revisited

 A couple of weeks ago I started revisiting my blog from 6 years ago on the build up to and the weeks following my detox. Its weird reading back over some of it now, seems so long ago. I can hardly remember the drunk me at all, luckily that applies to people who knew me back then too. Here's what I wrote with just two week to go.

D-13 and counting

Not long to go and starting to feel a little nervous.
Meeting with my counsellor today. Discussed a few concerns about before, during and after detox.My major concern is the Sunday before we start. The last beer I open on that Sunday night may well be my last ever. How the hell do I treat opening and drinking what may well be my last one?  No definitive answer on this question at the moment but the favourite is to have an evening of real old time favourites. Not about getting the units down me but taking the nerves away by celebrating a soon to be departed friend, and enemy.……Any thoughts?

We had a little chat about this blog, we both think it could be beneficial to myself and also others in a similar situation, so will press on for a while.

We also cleared up a thing or two about the actual process involved in a detox. What drugs are involved? Where and when do I get them? Who is responsible for making sure they are administered correctly? Are there any possible side effects? (More about this soon)

The period after the detox will hopefully be aided by a “group”

I joined a “group”

I have always struggled with “groups”

Sitting in a small room with a load of weird people all trying to outdo each other with tales of their problems…...How the hell can that help anyone?

Well, as usual, I was wrong. I was probably the weirdest of the lot, and we discussed coping strategies and other buzzwords. As first meetings go it was fairly encouraging. I shall go back next week and see how it goes. More on this as it progresses.

Also had a meeting with a real life newspaper reporter, but that’s another story for another day.

I remember my first "group" so well. I really believed it would be a load of old tosh and I only went to shut up the agency who had arranged my detox. Turned out I was oh so wrong. Probably wouldn`t have even gone through with the detox never mind stayed dry after it without the group. We'll go into the group thing a bit more as we go on. If you're struggling with addiction in any way go join a group. you won`t regret it. 

Hello. My name Is Jon and I'm an addict.

6 years or so ago I stopped drinking. I'm still stopped. Quite proud of that. On the lead up to having a detox I decided to blog about it. I'd written a blog when I was mum's carer and found it a great crutch at times and also a conversation starter for others in similar positions. This one turned out very similar. I hadn't really read any of it till recently and I'd forgotten just where I was at the time. I thought I'd revisit some or maybe even all of the entries and republish them here with a few observations from where I am now. If you can't wait for the next thrilling installment you should be able to browse the lot from a menu somewhere. I've changed the layout a bit so I'm not sure where it is now. 

Let's dive straight in with the first episode then. This was written on Sunday the 12/06/16.Seems so long ago now. I had been approved for an at home supervised detox. It was going to happen in two weeks. I was terrified. 

 

DETOX

I recently made what I hope will be a massive life changing decision. After long discussions with loved ones, friends and professionals I have decided to say farewell to something that has been a huge part of my life for more years than I care to remember.  

Alcohol.

Through good times and bad it has been there for me. An escape to a different place, boosting my confidence and making my problems disappear. It’s been a crutch for my depression and anxiety issues and helped me to be the wonderful person I am at parties.

Hold on, I need to rewrite that last paragraph.

My ability to control my addiction has dragged me into many a dark place. Hiding behind its veil gives a temporary short lived feeling of wellbeing with the side effect of impacting my mental issues and turning me into the dribbling idiot I can so easily become.

That’s a bit better.

So, starting on 27th of this month I will be entering into a supervised at home detox. I’ve been advised not to try on my own as there is a very real chance of fitting as I withdraw. It seems I need 24/7 supervision for the first few days just in case.

To be honest, I`m not that scared about the detox itself. My councillors are amazingly reassuring that a properly supervised and medicated detox is a fairly straight forward and well proven procedure. Fine, after a week or so on the meds I`ll be alcohol free for probably the first time in over 20 years. That’s when the fun starts I suppose. I have been imagining myself in various situations, family parties, restaurants and the like and find it so hard to picture myself without a pint in my hand. That’s partly why I have decided to write this. A bit of a crutch if you like. When I was caring for my mother I wrote a blog about my experiences and found it very helpful, so here we go again.

Also, as a side-line, if my experiences can help anyone in a similar position then that’s a good thing too. I intend to publish a few posts on the run up to the detox then a daily update for the period of it. Hopefully putting things down on here will help me focus on the job at hand.

If you have any experience of alcohol or other detox, please feel free to share. If we can get a bit of a discussion going all the better, it`ll certainly help me out and maybe others too.

I still remember the fear I felt hitting publish on that. I was going public. The world and his brother would know all my problems, would I bring shame to the family name? These and many other thoughts crashed through my brain. A few close friends and family knew about my addiction and the fact I was going into detox but this was  telling the whole world. Family, friends, acquaintances and strangers would then become aware of my addiction. It's a terrifying thought going public. Weird really. It shouldn't be such a problem. Addiction itself is a disease, you wouldn't worry about going public with most diseases, illness or injuries why this one? I`ll get into that later. Also the thought of a life without your drug of choice is a massive mindfuck. Something you have invested a huge amount of time and money into, learnt to lie about and hide for so many years is about to disappear. Your hierarchy of values is about to be turned on its head. We`ll talk about that a bit later on too. That night, after hitting that publish button I would have got absolutely hammered, not out of fear for the future and the impending detox but just because that was what I always did. 

Much to my surprise the blog was met with a huge amount of support. Family and friends initially then strangers started to share their stories and experiences of addiction, both positive and negative. As we go on I'll share some of the comments and feedback from the blogs and maybe a few bits and bobs from facebook and twitter too. Social media was a great crutch as I progressed, it can be a wonderful thing if used sensibly.

Here are a couple of bits from that first post.

GodFather 

June 2016 at 14:31
I'm with you all the way Jon. We've got family weaknesses but far more strengths as well. You will do it. Bon courage. X

Scotty 

June 2016 at 14:57
Best luck and wishes Jon, I don't have any doubt you will accomplish your goals with this and commend your bravery and openness to publish this, massive respect! X

Nick 

June 2016 at 15:38
The booze isn't the fuel, you'll still be a truckload of awesomeness my friend

Matt  

June 2016 at 18:15
A huge first step. Respect to you young man !

Anonymous June 2016 at 14:18
Hi Jon,

I have recently gone through an inpatient detox, my cousin came to visit me and she was shocked with the state I was in, my mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer that I couldn't deal with, I went from the alcoholic who had a skin full after work for a year or two to an alcoholic that couldn't get up off the sofa, had yellow eyes and felt so depressed my body hurt, she was really concerned for me.
She tried to get me in to see my doctor to no avail, she called NHS 111 to ask for their advice to no avail, she ended up calling a local charity that I had registered with some months before that deals with addiction, they advised her to call 999 as they thought from the symptoms she gave them my body was failing.
I was taken into hospital where tests were done and they found I had major issues with my liver, I explained to them about my addiction and they put me on a ward to do the week long supervised detox, this was the hardest thing I've ever done, not because of the addiction, but due to the fact that my mum was seriously ill and I couldn't see her.
The tablets they gave me helped no end and made the detox quite easy, either that or my mind telling me I've got to sort myself out to be strong for my mum, I kept telling myself I couldn't/wouldn't see her while I was drunk and no way in this world would I turn up to her funeral in a drunken state, I was also put on drip to help rehydrate my body.
After being in hospital for a week I felt better in myself than I had in years, family members commented how good I looked and couldn't believe the difference.
I stayed in the hospital with my mum until she died on the 10th June, I had all the support from my family and friends, I told work what I was going through and what I was doing to get sorted out and they have also been very supportive which helped no end, there support is still happening to this day and will continue until i'm fully recovered.
I'm now 5 weeks dry, still on tablets to stop the cravings and don't feel like/want a drink at all.
I've not used a support group as yet as my family are really close and are there for me 24 hours a day should I need them, I've also taken up fishing again (Not been for over 15 years) which I've found has helped me relax and get my head together.
I'm not going back to being the person I was and if you go with that attitude you will be fine, it's not going to be an easy ride but taking the 1st step that you have taken is awesome and I can only praise you for taking this step.
Be strong, be positive, be proud.
G.

That last one really hit the mark. Just to hear from someone, a stranger who was only a little further down the road than me was a great help. Maybe I could do this after all? These comments spurred me on. I wasn't in the best of places mentally for several reasons, not just the addiction so any positive thoughts meant so much at the time. This was 2 weeks before the detox and I was terrified. I'll tell you more about that next time.

 

World Mental Health Day

I`ve been meaning to put fingers to keyboard for quite a while but every time I`ve started something much more important has come up. Maybe a cake needs eating or I see a car on the telly and I`m off in the other direction. I`ve not been brilliant for the last few days and today is World Mental Health Day so I thought I`d have another go.

The world is an odd place at the moment. Almost every aspect of day to day life has been turned upside down. Face masks are the norm, the bittersweet aroma of antibacterial gels and wipes permeates the air and finally us Brits have a time to excel at our national sport, queuing. Its bad enough for a “normal” person but anyone with any history of mental illness will probably, like myself be really struggling. Approximately 1 in 4 people will experience mental health problems at some point so if you`re one of the lucky three its always good to know what you can do to help. Obviously I`m no doctor but as a bipolar depressive suicide survivor with a history of addiction I can at least pass on what has worked for me and for others I have spoken to. I`ve been blessed with a wonderfully supportive wife, family, boss and workmates who have all generally done the right things at the right times, if you can offer the same support to a colleague or friend then you can make a huge difference.

What should you do if you have a friend/ colleague who may be struggling?

Speak to them, ask them if they`re ok, that may be all it takes to start a dialogue. A lot people suffering with MH issues will be afraid to ask. There`s still a huge stigma attached to MH and just to be asked if everything is ok by a friendly face can be a huge relief.

Listen and be patient. You may get scraps of information, nothing at all or a complete life story all in one go. If they seem hesitant don`t force it. Let them go at their own speed. Reassure them that you`re there to help. You may find they have been thinking of seeking professional help but have been afraid or even embarrassed to do so, maybe you could offer to accompany them, even as far as a waiting room would make a huge difference.

Always act as you normally would around them. Its fine to call and chat about your concerns but its still your old mate not some nutter to be treated with kid gloves. Changes in your behaviour are likely to make them back off and feel more isolated.

Above all look after yourself. You may hear some things you feel uncomfortable with. Talking to a friend about mental health problems can be just as distressing for you as it is for them. Make sure you can detach when necessary and take time to relax, switch off and do something you enjoy.

 

That’s about it for this thrilling instalment, I now command you all to go and find out which one of your 3 mates is the mental and offer them some help.

 

 

Jon Pollard (Nutter)

ONE YEAR DRY.

Hello.

Been a while since I have posted in here. So easy to write when things aren’t too good, not so easy when life isn’t too bad, but here we go.

ONE YEAR DRY.

Yep. I have gone a full 12 months without a drop of alcohol passing my lips. After more years than I care to remember at various levels of dependency to “the demon drink” I feel I have really kicked it into touch. In this year several milestones had to be, and have been passed.  From my first evening spent with a couple of friends or family with no alcohol present I’ve managed to build my confidence, slowly but surely and start rebuilding some sort of social life. You don`t realise just how much alcohol figures in every day life till you start living without it. The first big family event, going out for something to eat, meeting friends in a pub all filled me with dread. Well, to be quite honest with you, pretty much everything filled me with dread. As an addict your mind tends to associate more or less everything with your substance or behaviour of choice.

Feeling happy? Let’s get pissed to celebrate.

Feeling down? I know just the thing for that.

It’s my birthday

Its someone else’s birthday

Happy Christmas

There’s a y in the day….

You get the idea.

All these associations have to be broken, or at least ignored in some way. Recovery itself takes constant maintenance. The urges to use may become less frequent but they can and do still hit you like a sledgehammer. If you have nothing in place to help you ride them out then you are in trouble. The major tool in my armoury has been my SMART recovery group.  The group is an amazing way to remind yourself to never get complacent, recovery is a full-time job. I won’t bother you with too many details about SMART, suffice to say it gives you an assortment of “tools” to use to deal with the challenges faced by being in recovery. The SMART group I attend has been so useful and effective that I`ve trained to facilitate my own meetings to help others starting out on the rocky road to recovery.

The best bits about being dry? Besides the obvious mental and physical health benefits? No more lies. Feeding an addiction of any sort will involve lies. Lots of lies. Lies to yourself, and those near and dear to you. Of course, they’re not real lies at the time, they don’t really count, all that matters is feeding that addiction. The freedom from the shackles of addiction is a wonderful thing. Almost a rebirth. After so many selfish years its wonderful to be truthful and put the needs and feelings of others ahead of that of your addiction.  To be back in control of your life, to be able to make decisions not based around the need to feed is at first terrifying but ultimately incredibly satisfying.  Suffice to say there isn’t a single thing in my life and the lives of those around me that hasn’t been improved by quitting.

Am I “cured” now?

Nope.

Don`t think there ever will be a “cure”. Best I can do is carry on treating the symptoms of my addiction, know the triggers and how to deal with them, know the danger areas and avoid them when possible, know how to handle them when not. Most of all though, carry on enjoying and appreciating the new life I have and being thankful for the strength and encouragement from those close to me.

Jon Pollard.

Addict.

Recovery Revolution

Hello.

I would like, if I may, to prattle on a bit about recovery. Or maybe Recovery? I recently went through a detox to end my many years of alcohol use and abuse, now, nearly 100 days dry it’s time to share a thought or two.

What is recovery? This is taken from the NCADD website.

Individuals who are “in recovery” know what it means to them and how important it is in their lives. They need no formal definition.

But for the general public and those who research, evaluate, and develop policies about addiction, recovery is a concept that can sometimes seem unclear. 

Essentially, recovery is a complex and dynamic process encompassing all the positive benefits to physical, mental and social health that can happen when people with an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or their family members, get the help they need.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA) offers this definition:

“Recovery from alcohol and drug problems is a process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness and quality of life.”

Expanding on this definition, SAMHSA articulates twelve “Guiding Principles of Recovery”: 

1.    There are many pathways to recovery.

2.    Recovery is self-directed and empowering.

3.    Recovery involves a personal recognition of the need for change and transformation.

4.    Recovery is holistic.

5.    Recovery has cultural dimensions.

6.    Recovery exists on a continuum of improved health and wellness.

7.    Recovery is supported by peers and allies.

8.    Recovery emerges from hope and gratitude.

9.    Recovery involves a process of healing and self-redefinition.

10.Recovery involves addressing discrimination and transcending shame and stigma.

11.Recovery involves (re)joining and (re)building a life in the community.

12. Recovery is a reality. It can, will, and does happen.

This definition makes sense whether your addiction is to a substance or action.

I thought about my recovery for a long long time before taking the plunge, how could I tell my friends and family? How would it affect my day to day life?  Should I just let my inner circle of close allies know of my decision? After all, hardly anyone knew the demons I had been wrestling with for so long, why the hell should I involve them in my recovery? These and many other questions plagued me and held up my decision for quite a while.

Then I had a thought. If I was to achieve what I was setting out to achieve hiding behind a veil of lies would be counterproductive and, let’s face it, I would need all the help I could get. I decided to “go public”. Share my thoughts, trials and tribulations wherever possible. Luckily, it would seem, I made the right decision.

Recovery from any addiction be it substance or action is something to be shouted about. Don`t do it on your own, be proud of all you are achieving and let others know how you feel. Shout it from the rooftops, share it with your friends, like it, retweet it, photocopy it, fax it, add it to your LinkedIn network just stand up and be PROUD of what you are doing! Let others see just how AMAZING you are feeling, how you have so much more time to do stuff and feel so much better when doing it. Let them know you`ve been born again, your life has restarted and the real you is back with a vengeance.

We need a Recovery Revolution.

Recovery should be embraced as the amazing thing it is, not carry the stigma it can at the moment. Unsure about dealing with your addiction? Look around at all the happy gurning idiots who are ahead of you in the process, listen to them shout about it, look at how you could feel.

 Don’t get me wrong, I`m not saying the process is easy for all and should be entered into lightly, but if Recovery were to be accepted as the amazing life changing process it can be then surely the decision to enter into it would be a whole lot easier?

This post was written for "The Recovery Revolution" a brilliant site addressing the issues faced by people in recovery. Please take a look.

Facilitations.

Hello.

I passed.

Remember a while ago I mentioned how I was training to be a facilitator for the SMART groups that I attend? Well I only went and passed the course. I am now a SMART facilitator. I will hopefully soon be co-facilitating the group I attend with John from Turning Point. This is great on a couple of levels, it means I keep getting the support from the group that I need and also get the chance to share my experiences to help others on the road to being substance free. 
If you are not aware of the SMART recovery programme here is a rough outline of the ethos, lifted straight from the SMART website:

We help people recover from addictive behaviour and lead meaningful and satisfying lives.Our approach is secular and science based; using motivational, behavioural and cognitive methods.We run a network of self help meetings and also partner with care professionals. OUR APPROACH

• Teaches self-empowerment and self-reliance.

• Provides meetings that are educational, supportive and focussed on open discussions.

• Supports the use of prescribed medications and psychological treatments where appropriate

• Can be used to tackle any form of addictive behaviour, including drugs and alcohol, gambling

• Evolves as scientific knowledge in addiction recovery evolves.

It’s a different approach to the traditional 12 step programmes, and one I have found to be incredibly helpful. You can read a bit more about it here www.smartrecovery.org.uk 
Hopefully I can drive the group forwards and increase the numbers. Harborough may be a hard place to do this as it still has a very small town feel to it. People in need of a little help are still afraid to attend a meeting like ours for fear of others finding out about their “problems.” I must admit that initially I myself was very concerned about how people would react when I mentioned the fact that I had/have a problem and was considering detox as a way to deal with it, but found I got nothing but support, understanding and a genuine interest. The first step to dealing with addiction is to admit the addiction exists, if you feel comfortable to share this then the road is one much easier to travel.

In other news, Sarah and I did our first 5km Parkrun around the local park. Parkrun is an amazing thing. Staffed entirely by volunteers they are popping up in parks all around the world. Anything from 30 to 300 or more people getting together in a park to have a run. With the emphasis on “run” it’s not a race but a great way to get out, get fit and have a laugh. My sister came up from Norfolk to join us, missing her own parkrun`s birthday party. We waddled round at our own pace to the sound of applause and encouragement from runners and marshals alike. What a great feeling to finish. I never thought I`d see the day that 3 Pollards would cross the finish line of a 5km run together, still alive and in such great spirits.

With the combination of exercise, good diet, new job and alcohol free lifestyle I feel better physically and mentally than I have for years. I`m under no illusions that the war with Al is over but I`m constantly winning battles and campaigns, he is on the retreat and I fully intend to keep him going in that direction.

Big Events, Triggers and Words.

Hello

Several big events this week, passed 2 months dry, dropped below 15 stones and ran 5k in one go without dying. Big event tonight too, Sarah is in London visiting the kids so I`m home alone for the night. Previously this would have resulted in me buying a huge amount of beer and drinking myself unconscious, waking up on the couch feeling half dead and being out of action for a day or so. Today I came in from work, changed into my running gear and pushed myself to a 5k run. Came home, cooked a nice tea and am now trying to decide which flavour of water I should drink while writing this. Amazing how much things can change in such a short time. 

Due to my return to work my group visits are now down to once a fortnight. I missed my first meeting since I started this week. I was a little concerned about this, but the week has gone excellently. Once a fortnight should provide the level of support I need at the moment. My studies towards being a group facilitator have taken a back seat for a little while as I pick up the new job, but should be restarted with a vengeance next week. I`m looking forward to the chance to run my own group, both to help others and also as a support mechanism for myself. The more I read about recovery the more I realise that I`m still right at the beginning. Only 2 months in I`m still learning daily about the way my mind will react to certain situations and triggers and how best to deal with them when they arise. 

One particular trigger that is really getting my goat at the moment is supermarket displays. Most rack ends facing tills in most supermarkets are devoted to Al. Meal deals include an alcoholic drink with very rarely a soft drink option. Every where you go Al is thrust down your throat. It is incredibly tricky to visit a supermarket without having ridiculously cheap booze thrust down your throat. A few years ago supermarkets removed sweets from the checkouts to stop impulse buys, maybe its time to do the same with booze. keep it in one area and avoidable if you wish. Any thoughts on this? 

I don’t know if you read a previous blog where I shared the words of a twitter friend describing addiction from the point of view of someone who lived with an addict.? You can read it here if you like, but be warned it was very hard hitting stuff and quite a tricky read. I had a lovely message on twitter the other day from the author saying that she had shared the piece with her therapist who then shared it with a supervisor and it is now being used to help other people in similar situations. If anyone else would like to contribute something then you would be most welcome. I`d like to read and share words from people on both sides of the addiction tale. If you fancy it drop me a line in the comments below or email jonmpollard@googlemail.com or tweet @hippy_jon and I`ll share it on here.

More soon.

Past, present and future

Hello.

Blimey! Doesn’t time fly when things are going well? Over a week since my last instalment, so let’s bring you up to date. Started my job at the Market. A couple of half days training and a couple of full days too, soon be flying solo. I can`t believe just how right this job is for me. Great team, great workplace, an important part of the community and a chance to be part of events like the Food Festival and Farmers Markets. Not just saying this in case my bosses read this, it seems to be the perfect job for my time and place. All this and only a 10 minute walk to work too. Brilliant.

Had the family around for a barbeque at the weekend. Another possible trigger but no problems. All mucked in to prepare some ace food, huge assortment of soft drinks and several hours talking about not much. Great day had by all. Another big milestone passed there too, first meeting of the Pollard siblings and partners with no alcohol involved. Admittedly I was always the one to insist on the presence of big Al, but I sailed through the day with only having to escape a couple of times to gather my reserves.

The group progresses nicely as does my online training to be a meeting facilitator. It’s been a little slow lately with starting work and such, but back into it with a vengeance now. Had an interesting conversation at the barbecue about smoking. My sisters partner, like myself is struggling with quitting. I plan to try an online SMART group to try to help us. The SMART method is designed to work with any addiction so maybe I can use some of the tools I have learned to help us quit. Might as well try to clean up my act completely while I`m at it. A good group is a great self-help network and can only aid my recovery as long as I take it easy and don’t undo the good work done so far.  If anyone else would be interested in such a group, maybe via skype or facebook please let me know, it’s just a baby of an idea at the moment but you never know..


I`ve been thinking a lot about the future lately, never really paid it much heed before. Now my life has some sort of order and some of the demons have been laid to rest I finally feel comfortable to do this. The whole concept of going forward forever without Al in my life still seems a little alien. Every time plans are mentioned he raises his ugly head. Years of planning events, journeys and days out around Al have taken their toll on me. Never staying out too late visiting friends and family so I could get home and embrace him. I have a new found freedom to do things that hasn’t existed before but I still struggle to appreciate this. Time will be the healer here I suppose, I`m just a baby at this recovery business, it’s a huge learning curve and lifestyle change.

Lastly, Sarah and I are now over halfway through our couch to 5k training and its progressing very well. Running for up to 20 minutes at a time now. Good job really as my love affair with freshly baked cake and bread continues unabated. I`m managing to eat like a pig and still lose weight. The combination of losing the empty calories provided by Al and doing regular exercise really doing the trick. We are on target to do our first 5k Parkrun in Harborough on 10th of September. Next target Tokyo 2020. Look out Mo we`re coming for you.

Big week, all change.

Hello

Well what a week that has been. Sometimes it’s hard to believe how much your life can change in such a short time. Where do I begin? I`ll approach it chronologically, because it suits me if things are in order.

Thursday saw me in Kettering for the first of three parts of a training course to help me get my driving license back a few months early. I lost it for 20 months due to being an idiot and taking my car for a spin whilst under the influence and ending up on a roundabout on the A6. First and definitely the last time I will ever do that. Luckily no one else was involved. More about this incident another time. The course was a full day talking about the effects of alcohol, how long it takes to leave your body, how many units are in each sort of drink and how it impairs your judgement. Talking about alcohol for such a period, and reflecting on my own stupidity very nearly had an adverse effect. On the way home I popped into the café on Kettering station for a coffee where I noticed they sold cans of beer. I was within a gnat’s whisker of ordering one, maybe two. Had to bring in a few tools learnt in my group to help. A quick cost benefit analysis, looking at the short term gains against the long term price, seemed to do the trick. Reminded me just how easy it could be to have a lapse. I must not be complacent, it’s still very early days.

Saturday we were off to St. Neots to Sarah’s Mums place, she had very bravely agreed to host a party to celebrate daughter Jo`s 30th birthday. Sarah and I had prepared food for 30 odd people, relatives and friends alike and Gwen prepared the garden with a huge gazebo, cleared out the garage as a food area and set up the shed for kids to play in. It was the perfect party venue. This was a real test as there was to be alcohol present. My first outing to a large social event where everyone would be drinking, except for me. We had emergency escapes in place, and I did have to run off with the dog for a while to sit in a field but all in all I survived intact. Another huge milestone for me and a wonderful day had by all involved.

Whilst in the process of setting up the party I received a phone call. Good News.

Let me take you back a week or so. I applied for a job as Assistant Supervisor at the local Market. This caused a little quandary for me. Do I mention that I am in the process of drying out at the interview? I discussed this with the group. My main concern was that if I didn`t offer the facts they may well come back to haunt me at a later date. We acted out a few scenarios and I decided the best thing was to bring it up, which I did. Luckily the facts were well met and I was thanked for my honesty. I assured the interviewers that in no way would this affect my ability to carry out my duties and left feeling the interview had gone very well.

Back to the party. The phone call. “Could you pop in to the Market Tuesday afternoon for a quick chat please?” This I did, quick chat in the office and lo and behold I am now the Assistant Supervisor for Market Harborough Market! Really looking forward to getting back to full time work, in a job I will really enjoy and having a bit of structure in my week again.

So much in one week. So many milestones passed. Things are really looking good at the moment. I haven't been able to say that for a long while. It’s a rocky road and I`m nowhere near the destination, but my journey has started and small steps, mostly in the right direction will take me to where I need to be.

Farewell young man.

Hello.

Had to say farewell to a friend today. Well, more of an acquaintance than a friend but someone who has played a huge part in my life just lately, and probably a huge part in my life going forward from now. I`ve hardly mentioned this young fellow in my story, a matter I intend to put right this evening.

Let’s go back a few months. I`m still drinking, things seem to be falling apart all around me, I`d been failing to get off the ale quite consistently for quite some time. Maybe through lack of trying, maybe I just wasn’t ready, who knows? I had seen addiction councillors on a couple of occasions to no avail…they didn’t know what I was going through…they had no idea what it was like to be an addict, who were they to judge and advise me I thought. After a long chat with my GP and several long chats with Sarah I decided to give it another go. Self-referred to “Swanswell” as it was then known or "Turning Point" as it has become and got my first appointment. Back of the chemist, little consulting room, Tuesday just after lunch. Perfect. Just in time for a couple on the way home before tea. Sitting in the room waiting for me was a young man by the name of Priyesh. I sat down and we chatted. We chatted about drink, about home, about moods, about my physical and mental health, about the health of those around me. We went through some official stuff and that was it, meeting over. Cool. Not too bad then.

Next meeting we started talking numbers, units, cravings, urges and all the stats surrounding my drinking. When did I start? When was I last dry? All that sort of stuff. He suggested I joined a “group” and I laughed. Never I said. Look how wrong that turned out to be. We agreed on a structured period where I would gradually decrease my intake over a few weeks. Seemed simple on paper. X number of cans this week, x-1 the following week and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. All through this Priyesh was very understanding and willing to listen, yes, I know that’s his job, but he had managed to get me to talk. No mean achievement.

Following an incident that I may talk about another time, Sarah and I decided things couldn’t go on as they were. She was at her wits end and I was slowly but surely drinking myself to death. Something would have to give. Priyesh and I had discussed the idea of a detox and it was at this point we decided that this was the way forward. Things happened very quickly after the initial decision and the story of the detox is told elsewhere. As part of the discussions Priyesh once again brought up the “group” and I agreed to attend. If you are a regular reader you will know how much of a positive affect the group has had on me. So positive in fact that this is where I come to say farewell to Priyesh. I am now over a month dry, I have a good support network in place in the group and my circle of friends. I also have an outlook on life that is more positive than at any time I can remember. 

So farewell Priyesh. Keep up the good work. Rest easy in the knowledge that you may well have played a part in saving my life, or at least given me some of the tools I need to save it myself.


Post Script
If you have tried counselling for whatever reason in the past and it hasn’t done you any good don’t give up on it. The problem may just be you haven’t found the right counsellor yet. It might be that the time is not quite right for you. Keep trying, it’s worth the effort.

Get Smart, fight the urge

Hello

I`d like to tell you a little more about SMART recovery, the providers of the group I attend, and the organisation I am training to be a meeting facilitator for.

Here’s a bit of stuff stolen directly from their website, outlining the approach and ethos of the company.

ABOUT SMART RECOVERY

We help people recover from addictive behaviour and lead meaningful and satisfying lives.
Our approach is secular and science based; using motivational, behavioural and cognitive methods.
We run a network of self-help meetings and also partner with care professionals.

OUR APPROACH

• Teaches self-empowerment and self-reliance.

• Provides meetings that are educational, supportive and focussed on open discussions.

• Supports the use of prescribed medications and psychological treatments where appropriate.

• Can be used to tackle any form of addictive behaviour, including drugs and alcohol, gambling

• Evolves as scientific knowledge in addiction recovery evolves.

SMART Recovery (SMART) is a science-based programme to help people manage their recovery from any type of addictive behaviour. This includes addictive behaviour with substances such as alcohol, nicotine or drugs, or compulsive behaviours such as gambling, sex, eating, shopping, self-harming and so on. SMART stands for ‘Self Management And Recovery Training’.

SMART began in 1994 in the United States. It has grown into a worldwide network of self-help meetings, both face-to-face and online, where participants can get help from others in recovery. SMART operates as a non-profit organisation in many countries including the United States, the UK, Canada and Australia.

There is no single approach to recovery that is right for everyone. Research into various recovery methods and therapies suggests that mutual aid can help recovery and so can treatment – a combination of the two is probably even better for many people.

SMART Recovery helps participants decide whether they have a problem, builds up their motivation to change and offers a set of proven tools and techniques to support recovery. This is the SMART Recovery 4-point programme:

Building and maintaining motivation

Coping with urges

Managing thoughts, feelings and behaviours

Living a balanced life

People can stay with SMART as long as they wish. There is no requirement to make a lifetime commitment to the programme, just to their recovery and leading a healthier life.

Many people find that continuing to participate in SMART after they have recovered helps them avoid lapses or relapses. Some will volunteer to train as Facilitators and set up further meetings. Others simply continue to attend meetings and share their experiences with others.

Within SMART, labels are not thought to help with recovery and are avoided. People are not called ‘addicts’, ‘alcoholics’, ’druggies’, ’overeaters’, ’sex addicts’ or other disparaging labels within meetings.

SMART Recovery will not be able to help with every kind of problem, and participants are encouraged to seek professional help when needed.

There are degrees of addictive behaviour and almost everyone will experience this, to some degree, at some point in their life. For some, addictive behaviour will overwhelm their life and SMART Recovery can be an important and effective part of their recovery journey.

Just recently in the SMART group we have been discussing urges and how to deal with them. I still get plenty, varying intensities and triggered by varying things. I generally use a mixture of mindfulness and thoughts about what would happen if I gave in to the urge to keep me on the straight and narrow. Sometimes easy, sometimes hard but so far all manageable. Over the weekend I received a letter bearing bad news. The subject of the news doesn’t matter here, suffice to say it was quite a blow. Stopped me dead in my tracks it did. The first thing that came in to my head was “Christ I need a drink”. It actually took most of the tricks and skills I have been taught so far to fight the urge. Made me realise that I may be over a month dry but there’s still no room for complacency. That urge can turn into a lapse in no time at all. Without the skills I am acquiring from SMART who knows what could have happened. Luckily today I seem to back to “normal” whatever that may be.

In other news we completed week 3 of our couch to 5k today, every time we go out it seems a little easier. Week 4 sees a fairly big step up in running time but neither of us feel at all daunted by this. Bring it on!

Group, running, food and a shrink.

Hello.

Yesterday I attended the group. Another great meeting, came away feeling on a bit of a high.  If you feel the urge to read more about the Smart recovery programme you can do so here. I have been discussing the possibilities of peer mentoring and also training as a facilitator which would allow me to run meetings myself. Not only would this give me the chance to give something back with the benefit of my experiences, but also gain continued support from a peer group. Things are underway, forms have been filled in, I`ve ordered a book and watched several videos of an annoying American in a baseball cap. If I can survive that then I`m up for anything. The book contains a lot of the “tools” used within the meetings to try to rationalise and motivate etc. I`m not normally one for such bumf but the whole process and rationale behind Smart seems to make such sense. More about this as the book arrives.

Couch to 5k is progressing nicely. I now have a pair of shiny shorts to go with my running socks and bottle. Sarah has proper running shoes. We are turning into THAT couple. I have always been very dubious of people who espouse the benefits of exercise but now I have actually tried it I am starting to understand.

Returning from our week 3 runs and there is a real feeling of accomplishing something and a great feeling of well-being. The fact that we are already running for 3 minutes at a time without dying is quite an achievement. I`ve started comparing stats on my phone app and charting our progress, I feel a spreadsheet coming on. Maybe even graphs.

Last night I approached and passed a major milestone. A social event with old friends but no beer. Two friends came round for a barbecue. An event that would normally of course involve a huge amount of beer, as they always do. As it happens we had an ace evening, great food, great company and a great assortment of different flavoured fizzy water. This may seem like such a trivial thing but it was a huge event for me, affirming that a social life can still exist whilst sober. Also to be able to relax with close friends and talk comfortably about recovery was a great help. Cheers Bren and Ian, lovely evening and helped me a lot.

Today I had an appointment with the Consultant Psychiatrist about my anxiety and depression issues. Still early days to tell the effects that stopping drinking have had but we have increased one med to try to help with the anxiety surrounding the thoughts of a life without. Seems one of the causes of relapse is worrying about what would happen if you relapse. Makes sense I suppose. Will plod on with the meds for now, give my recovering liver a chance to start processing them and see what happens once they start having full effect. All in all, a positive couple of days. Let’s keep it like that.

Vive La Revolution

HELLO

Just a quick one tonight. 
I was googling around a few nights ago, looking at other recovery blogs and sites and I happened upon one that really grabbed my attention. It was loud. Lots going on and very very bright. 

“The Recovery Revolution” is not what you expect from a site about addiction recovery. I read on and found that I was relating to a lot of the articles. The positivity was the main thing to strike me. I liked the site a lot and thought I would approach them and see if they might be interested in some of my ramblings. Lo and behold I received an email from Chris asking me to submit something. This is exactly what I did, I compiled the first two episodes of this blog and added a bit ore backstory and sent it off. You might like to read what I wrote and also have a look around some of the rest of the site. There really is some good reading there.

The link to my article is here.
The homepage for the site is here.

How would you fancy having something published on "A Life Without"? If you have a story about addiction or recovery told from either side and you would like to share please email me jonmpollard@gmail.com. 

In other news Couch to 5k continues. Week two is over and on to week three. 22.22% of our journey to running 5k and both still feeling good. We even purchased some proper running socks and a water bottle to mark the event. That is the level of commitment we have achieved.

Gis a Job.

Hello

A week or so ago the company that supply my care package changed over from Swanswell to Turning Point. Surprisingly, as rarely happens, the changeover went fairly smoothly, only took a couple of days to get new phone numbers and the like for all involved and all back up and running. Credit where its due as these sort of things usually result in utter chaos for weeks.

Yesterday, Friday, I realised that one of my meds was going to run out over the weekend. At the moment this med is prescribed by my care provider not the doctor so this resulted in all round panic on my part. Turning point to the rescue though, posted out next day delivery to Boots and arrived there ready to be picked up Saturday afternoon. Probably no need to panic but there you go.

My cravings are getting fewer and further between, but when they do arrive they can still be strong, anything can trigger them, smells, sights, a passage in a book, anything. This is common and knowing how to deal with them is key. Distraction techniques are good, mindfulness exercises, physical exercises even mental exercises all help. Our exercise regime is still ongoing. I actually enjoy the run/walk as we do it and completing it gives a great feeling of satisfaction. Especially when the most extreme exercise you have had for years has been the walk to the bar.

Tomorrow, I will be four weeks dry. Quite an achievement I think. Four weeks. One lunar month. 28 days. 672 hours. I`m still amazed by how many hours there are in a day and its time I started putting them to good use. Therefore, I have decided that I am now ready to relaunch myself into the world of work. I applied for a job last week. CV sent off on Tuesday am, phone call Tuesday pm, interview Wednesday pm, rejection call Thursday noon. Not bad turnaround really. Felt deflated for the afternoon, would have really enjoyed and excelled at the job but it wasn’t to be. Onwards and upwards. I`ve since been offered some part time work at Dog Days Inn, the ace place that Tess goes on Holiday. Quite looking forwards to this, spending days with mental dogs is right up my street. To be honest I`ve still no idea what I want to do when I grow up. If you know of any other full or part time positions in and around the Market Harborough area my cv is available HERE, please feel free to share around. 

Oh…one last thing, if you are a Photoshop or other package wizard and fancy designing a banner and a couple of buttons for me I would be eternally grateful. No money I`m afraid but you`d have the satisfaction of making an old hippy very happy.