6 years or so ago I stopped drinking. I'm still stopped. Quite proud of that. On the lead up to having a detox I decided to blog about it. I'd written a blog when I was mum's carer and found it a great crutch at times and also a conversation starter for others in similar positions. This one turned out very similar. I hadn't really read any of it till recently and I'd forgotten just where I was at the time. I thought I'd revisit some or maybe even all of the entries and republish them here with a few observations from where I am now. If you can't wait for the next thrilling installment you should be able to browse the lot from a menu somewhere. I've changed the layout a bit so I'm not sure where it is now.
Let's dive straight in with the first episode then. This was written on Sunday the 12/06/16.Seems so long ago now. I had been approved for an at home supervised detox. It was going to happen in two weeks. I was terrified.
DETOX
I recently made what I hope will be a massive life changing decision. After long discussions with loved ones, friends and professionals I have decided to say farewell to something that has been a huge part of my life for more years than I care to remember.
Alcohol.
Through good times and bad it has been there for me. An escape to a different place, boosting my confidence and making my problems disappear. It’s been a crutch for my depression and anxiety issues and helped me to be the wonderful person I am at parties.
Hold on, I need to rewrite that last paragraph.
My ability to control my addiction has dragged me into many a dark place. Hiding behind its veil gives a temporary short lived feeling of wellbeing with the side effect of impacting my mental issues and turning me into the dribbling idiot I can so easily become.
That’s a bit better.
So, starting on 27th of this month I will be entering into a supervised at home detox. I’ve been advised not to try on my own as there is a very real chance of fitting as I withdraw. It seems I need 24/7 supervision for the first few days just in case.
To be honest, I`m not that scared about the detox itself. My councillors are amazingly reassuring that a properly supervised and medicated detox is a fairly straight forward and well proven procedure. Fine, after a week or so on the meds I`ll be alcohol free for probably the first time in over 20 years. That’s when the fun starts I suppose. I have been imagining myself in various situations, family parties, restaurants and the like and find it so hard to picture myself without a pint in my hand. That’s partly why I have decided to write this. A bit of a crutch if you like. When I was caring for my mother I wrote a blog about my experiences and found it very helpful, so here we go again.
Also, as a side-line, if my experiences can help anyone in a similar position then that’s a good thing too. I intend to publish a few posts on the run up to the detox then a daily update for the period of it. Hopefully putting things down on here will help me focus on the job at hand.
If you have any experience of alcohol or other detox, please feel free to share. If we can get a bit of a discussion going all the better, it`ll certainly help me out and maybe others too.
I still remember the fear I felt hitting publish on that. I was going public. The world and his brother would know all my problems, would I bring shame to the family name? These and many other thoughts crashed through my brain. A few close friends and family knew about my addiction and the fact I was going into detox but this was telling the whole world. Family, friends, acquaintances and strangers would then become aware of my addiction. It's a terrifying thought going public. Weird really. It shouldn't be such a problem. Addiction itself is a disease, you wouldn't worry about going public with most diseases, illness or injuries why this one? I`ll get into that later. Also the thought of a life without your drug of choice is a massive mindfuck. Something you have invested a huge amount of time and money into, learnt to lie about and hide for so many years is about to disappear. Your hierarchy of values is about to be turned on its head. We`ll talk about that a bit later on too. That night, after hitting that publish button I would have got absolutely hammered, not out of fear for the future and the impending detox but just because that was what I always did.
Much to my surprise the blog was met with a huge amount of support. Family and friends initially then strangers started to share their stories and experiences of addiction, both positive and negative. As we go on I'll share some of the comments and feedback from the blogs and maybe a few bits and bobs from facebook and twitter too. Social media was a great crutch as I progressed, it can be a wonderful thing if used sensibly.
Here are a couple of bits from that first post.
GodFather
June 2016 at 14:31
I'm with you all the way Jon. We've got family weaknesses but far more strengths as well. You will do it. Bon courage. X
Scotty
June 2016 at 14:57
Best luck and wishes Jon, I don't have any doubt you will accomplish your goals with this and commend your bravery and openness to publish this, massive respect! X
Nick
June 2016 at 15:38
The booze isn't the fuel, you'll still be a truckload of awesomeness my friend
Matt
June 2016 at 18:15
A huge first step. Respect to you young man !
Anonymous June 2016 at 14:18
Hi Jon,
I have recently gone through an inpatient detox, my cousin came to visit me and she was shocked with the state I was in, my mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer that I couldn't deal with, I went from the alcoholic who had a skin full after work for a year or two to an alcoholic that couldn't get up off the sofa, had yellow eyes and felt so depressed my body hurt, she was really concerned for me.
She tried to get me in to see my doctor to no avail, she called NHS 111 to ask for their advice to no avail, she ended up calling a local charity that I had registered with some months before that deals with addiction, they advised her to call 999 as they thought from the symptoms she gave them my body was failing.
I was taken into hospital where tests were done and they found I had major issues with my liver, I explained to them about my addiction and they put me on a ward to do the week long supervised detox, this was the hardest thing I've ever done, not because of the addiction, but due to the fact that my mum was seriously ill and I couldn't see her.
The tablets they gave me helped no end and made the detox quite easy, either that or my mind telling me I've got to sort myself out to be strong for my mum, I kept telling myself I couldn't/wouldn't see her while I was drunk and no way in this world would I turn up to her funeral in a drunken state, I was also put on drip to help rehydrate my body.
After being in hospital for a week I felt better in myself than I had in years, family members commented how good I looked and couldn't believe the difference.
I stayed in the hospital with my mum until she died on the 10th June, I had all the support from my family and friends, I told work what I was going through and what I was doing to get sorted out and they have also been very supportive which helped no end, there support is still happening to this day and will continue until i'm fully recovered.
I'm now 5 weeks dry, still on tablets to stop the cravings and don't feel like/want a drink at all.
I've not used a support group as yet as my family are really close and are there for me 24 hours a day should I need them, I've also taken up fishing again (Not been for over 15 years) which I've found has helped me relax and get my head together.
I'm not going back to being the person I was and if you go with that attitude you will be fine, it's not going to be an easy ride but taking the 1st step that you have taken is awesome and I can only praise you for taking this step.
Be strong, be positive, be proud.
G.
That last one really hit the mark. Just to hear from someone, a stranger who was only a little further down the road than me was a great help. Maybe I could do this after all? These comments spurred me on. I wasn't in the best of places mentally for several reasons, not just the addiction so any positive thoughts meant so much at the time. This was 2 weeks before the detox and I was terrified. I'll tell you more about that next time.
